Grieving and Midterms and Prayers

As I have attended the Greifsahre meetings and do the exercises in the workbook then my grieving process has taken me into caverns of my soul that I have not known before. There are some raw feelings bubbling up. Thee have been moments that my body literally shook. 

This also might relate to my Enneagram Type 1 disappointments with the imperfections in myself and in society as reflected in the sensational news coming up to midterm elections. 

My deep resentments that my dad was not wise and caring is projected on how mad I have felt that Congress has behaved like immature and selfish teens instead of honorable and admirable leaders for decades.  

I have wanted to have male role models as political leaders but I have had none. 

I will be glad when the midterm election is behind us. 

It is acceptable to be in touch with my feelings that I normally brush aside. I do not want to deny or ignore my internal reality. For this season I want to give myself totally over to the grieving process. 

For days I have been instinctively and suddenly praying --- Thy Kingdom come and Thy will be done, This has happened several times a day from a deep place inside but not the rest of the Lord's Prayer. I do not understand what that means. But please pray that over me. 

This might or might not be related. I have been cursing in my mind with angry thoughts. That had been rare but has become more frequent. 

THANKS again for all your prayers. 

Shalom

John

Here is a photo of what was taken to First Look Pregnancy Clinic recently

That Went Well

By the grace of God on Tuesday, October 9, 2018, we received items from the residents of this apartment complex for senior citizens.

Then on Wednesday, they were taken to the thrift store in Ennis that supports First Look Pregnancy Clinic https://www.firstlookclinic.com/

It took 2 pickups to hold the more than 40 boxes and a dozen garbage bags of items plus lamps, pictures, and more. Mostly those were clothes, books, and housewares.

I had sent out many prayer requests about this. And God brought in lots of things and the operations unfolded smoothly. I am grateful for each person that prayed.

There is a chain reaction from those 2 days.

That event will benefit those who buy inexpensive things and save money contrasted to buying the things new.

The money will pay for staff at the clinic and their equipment.

The women will receive test results, counseling, and support.

The fetuses will be born instead of aborted.

The donors of the things will have more space and will be blessed by God.

Here is a photo.

https://guidemejesus.blogspot.com/2018/10/here-is-photo-of-what-was-taken-to.html 

NEXT

My next project to serve my neighbors is to research and compile 2 lists. I want to offer them a selection of options for holiday activities and volunteer possibilities.

Most of my neighbors are widows or widowers. There are just a few couples. Mostly they are in their 70s and 80s. A few are in their 90s. I am the young one that is only 65.

In the one year I have been here I have witnessed a few that died and some that moved into assisted living. Others went from walking everywhere to needing to use a walker with wheels. So there is a constant reminder of their mortality and possible declining health.

Take time to imagine these are grandmothers and mothers that had cooked big holiday meals. They had lots of relatives to connect with during November and December for decades. Yet here they are in a one bedroom apartment cooking for themselves. And some cannot cook so they get Meals on Wheels https://www.mealsonwheelsamerica.org/

People take for granted that they can sit on the floor and then get up on their own. Many of my neighbors have not been able to do that for years.

During the short videos of those that had gone through Griefshare, there were many testimonies of how the holidays stirred up painful memories of the past. So deeply missing a spouse, child, or sibling can complicate these two months for a person of their age.

Very few relatives come to visit my neighbors during the year. Surely there will be an increase during the holidays.

Most career people watch some TV each week to unwind. Can you imagine watching TV all day and all night for year after year? This generation is not web savvy, so TV is their major companion.

Many of the women have small dogs and a few have cats. The good news is that the dogs will listen endlessly and give unconditional love. Plus they must be walked so that makes them go for a walk if they can. When these little dogs die that is a very painful tragedy for them. Your special prayers for their dogs and their relationship with their dog will help.

So into this context, I seek to sow some good seeds that I hope will bear good fruit in due season.

I want them to know where they can go and what they can do during November and December. There is a wide range of options in the area. I plan to research the secular and Christian possibilities. I will make a list of the events, places, times, and contact data.

My intention is to broaden their horizons so that they know there is a world beyond the walls of their residence. There are ways to go out and experience some enjoyment in a safe setting.

I know already that only a few of the residents will take action on this. But I feel that it is my responsibility to provide the knowledge of what is possible.

While the holidays are an intense season of memories the other 10 months are a desert of loneliness. So one possible antidote to loneliness is to volunteer. Some neighbors have said that they volunteered years ago and a few volunteer regularly these days.

So besides the holiday options, I will list the volunteer options.

My intention is the same but more long term. My intention is to broaden their horizons so that they know there is a world beyond the walls of their residence. There are ways to go out and experience some enjoyment in a safe setting.

The difference between going to a holiday even and volunteering consistently is that they will engage with others socially. They will be serving a greater good. They will think and act beyond their own daily survival.

Some extroverts might think that this is a grand opportunity to go visit with dozens of my neighbors. But there are several problems with that. I am mostly an introvert. Visiting lots of people would drain me in ways that an extrovert could never fathom.

Yet I do care deeply about their emotional health.

Like I told the apartment manager it would not be right for me to be seen going into the residence of these women for more than a few minutes. In this community, there are eyes on every activity. These old women have perfected gossip.

During the next few months, my central focus is to give myself wholeheartedly to grieving. And on a related note, there has been and there will be needs to massage my body due to the emotional junk that is flushed up in this grieving processes.

Let me make a quick aside to state that like Griefshare teaches, every person grieves differently. How I grieve the loss of my dad would be totally different from how another person grieves the loss of their parent or spouse. I put my unresolved issues in my upper body. Another person might put it in their gut or back. They might store the junk in the trunk of traumatic memories somewhere besides the body like overeating, excessive anxieties, or other toxic habits.

I told my pastor that the relief in my neck, shoulders, and upper back led me to envision that I had been carrying the weight of the world on my back like Atlas. This might seem crazy. But my sense of excessive responsibility is related to the fact that I am first born and Type 1 on the Enneagram. When I get totally honest about my ego then I notice that I felt personally responsible that every human on the earth was evangelized and every person online was effectively disciplined. Also, I want to save the world from all the injustice and suffering.  So as I grieve the loss of my dad I have begun to put down that clearly impossible assignment.

PRAYER

Just like with the thrift store project, I can do research and share the lists in the energy of my flesh.

I am committed to sharing these lists with my neighbors at the end of October.

Yet I need your best prayers.

My tendency is to just present the raw data. Yet I know that if I use some graphic art design in the formatting then it will be better received. That is easier said than done because that is outside my skill set. So pray for God to teach me or partner me with a person that can do this well.

Here are my prayer requests:

May God guide my research.

May God guide my writing and formatting of the lists.

May God prepare their hearts and minds to receive the lists.

May God prompt some to act on the options that will bless them the most.

THANKS again for all your prayers.

Shalom

John

P. S. You are invited to forward this to the best intercessors.

No Ride - NSF Charges - Detox - Supplements

No Ride - NSF Charges - Detox - Supplements

NO RIDE

Last night I did not have a ride for Griefshare.

So I am asking special prayers that I will have rides for the remaining meetings.

I have been keeping up with the workbook. That has been stirring up mental and emotional junk as well as physical pains. I continue to pray, meditate, and massage my body.

I miss the inputs of the videos at the meetings as well as the interactions with others.

I have a list of options for transportation that I have been working on. So please pray for God to guide and provide.

NSF CHARGES

I have so been wrapped up in this grief work that I failed to notice that Uncle Sam changed the date of when my retirement funds are directly deposited. It was the 28th and now it is the 3rd.

I had many of my payments set up for the 28th or the 1st. I had a buffer in the account. But that buffer was not enough. So today I wake up to two 34 dollar charges for the negative balance yesterday. And more payments have hit so there will be more automatic 34 dollar charges.

I will call the bank tomorrow when they can see that the social security funds arrived. I will ask for them to forgive some or all those charges. Please pray for God to grant me grace in this way.

DETOX

Currently, I am 4 weeks into a 13-week program of Greifsahre https://www.griefshare.org/ They have been around for a long time. Many thousands of people have completed it. I have communicated with a few that did finish it and they spoke highly of it.

So I trust that this process will work well for me.

It is like the option to go on an adventure in a rainforest. There are all kinds of sights and sounds. Plus there are dangers and risks. I have gone as far and deep as I could on my own in my grief. In order to go forward safely, I must have the guidance of Griefshare.

My dad and his father were experts at stuffing feelings. I too have mastered that.

I have been involved in various 12 step recovery programs for many years. They have been hugely helpful. They can take me to the brink of my feelings. But they are not designed to guide me in healing the worse hurts. During those fourth step inventories in the last 20 years, I had journaled more than 200 pages related to the junk tied to my dad.

Griefshare has a proven track record. There are Bible verses and prayers in the workbook that I marked up. I will go back to review, reflect, and journal on. They start to release the pressure of the damned up feelings.

Many of those hurts and memories are stored in my body. They have started to be released.

SUPPLEMENTS

What I want to do is take nutritional supplements that will help to detox my body. There are those natural substances to strengthen my liver and kidney that will be coping with the extra toxins.

I have an appointment with my holistic doctor in Ferris on October 8. She will have the results of my blood work.

I have always wanted a test for allergies.  Finally, Medicare and Medicaid have paid for that. This is included in the results she will see.

She hinted that she will be recommending nutritional supplements to correct and balance things in my body. I look forward to her recommendations.

I rely on my morning smoothie and nutritional supplement pills to provide most of my nutrition. Then during the day and night, I just snack mostly. I never was a big eater.

CONCLUSION

So I find myself in a financial pinch.

It has been years since there was a negative balance in my bank account. I do not know if the bank will forgive some, all, or none of the changes.

Buying additional supplements for detox is not possible if they forgive none of the charges.

I know that God knows all about my circumstances. God knows how I got here.

Again I request your best prayers for God to guide and provide.

Previously when I requested prayers about my finances God prompted an anonymous supporter to give me a large amount of money. I could then afford to restock my pantry, buy needed clothes, get the massage tools, buy a few books, and get nutritional supplements. Plus there was a buffer in my bank account that was used for some of the payments.

So while I admit that I am powerless over my grieving process, transportation needs, banking relationships, detoxing, and more. I trust that my Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ, will surely make a way along the path that is ahead.

The Bible offers precious promises including the following:

God will never leave nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)

He who began this good work will complete it. (Phil. 1:6)

As I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness then all these things will be added to me. (Matt 6:33)

PRAYER

Please pray earnestly that God will guide and provide in all these ways.

The central challenge is to lean into the grief work that God has set before me. That is easier said than done.

There are all these external matters to address as well as my chronic procrastination. I have been putting off the difficult work of getting real about my past. My journaling so far has been sporadic. I want it to become more consistent while taking suitable breaks.

Off and on for weeks, I have been writing a summary of the history of my relationship with my dad and the ways that have impacted me. As I write this it has been therapeutic to put these matters in order for an imagined audience.  Yet as I write, then more and more is surfaced.

At first, I expected that message would be 3 to 5 pages. But currently, it is 12 pages. I need to wrap this up at about 15 pages and get it out. There will be more to write later.

On the one hand, I know that most of my supporters are too busy to read 15 pages.

Yet, on the other hand, I know that there are a few who will.

Knowing that most will be overwhelmed sparks my fear of rejection. Still, I need to just feel the fear and take action anyway.

Even this message is 3 times longer than I expected. So it is reminding me that I process while I am writing.

Please pray for strength and courage to just share part of my story soon.

GIVE

I hate to ask for money in general. I especially dislike asking in the setting when I have neither delivered a Biblical lesson or requested support for serving others.

I came out of the Prosperity Gospel movement when asking for money was done all the time. That was a turn off for others and me.

It takes a measure of humility to admit that I need help financially.

Things are tight in terms of cash flow. I could barely make it without any additional support. But this is a rough patch and heading into a critical season.

To not request prayers for my finances and offer a link would be an expression of pride for me.

God has opened my eye to notice the furniture, food, and funds that God has graciously provided in the last year. I think back on the many times that God made a way for my rent to be paid during the 1980s and 1990s when I was between jobs. I look at my dentures and eyeglasses that God provided right on time. So I am the bountifully blessed.

My life is a testimony of the grace of God.

God used the prayers of my mother and her friends to deliver me from drug abuse in 1975. God opened the door for a church-based rehab. God used their love and support to restore me to my right mind after scrambling my brains on LSD.

God used the messages of many radio preachers and teachers to convict me that religion was not enough. I need to be born again.

I can go on and on about how God has blessed me. Maybe after this grief work, I will write a long article about the major answers of prayers for me and those I served directly.

I never was good at sales or fundraising so the Paypal link follows. You are invited to give or pray for God to prompt others to give.

https://www.freewebs.com/jsohub/give.htm

This was sent to dozens of people I have known over the decades. And I posted it on Facebook.  I do not know how many will open it, how many will pray, and how many will give. But I feel that it is my responsibility to live an open and transparent life as I enter further into this uncertain journey of grieving.

Just writing this has helped me sort out the mess inside me.

I look to Jesus Christ by faith to guide and provide just like He has for 4 decades.

Shalom

John